White Knight or Dark Night

This morning I began my day steeped in gratitude; counting the innumerable blessings that have been generously bestowed upon me. Certainly not all of my days begin this way but today, they did. As I softened my gaze and admired my garden through the front window, in a rather wakeful meditation, I chuckled silently to myself. I had to laugh at all of the ways which I had previously perceived the unfolding of events in my life and how some had felt so completely stained, at the time, with betrayal and loss. Now on the other side, I had to admit that my life had gone perfectly to plan, so to speak.

That still quiet voice within spoke with compassionate authority reminding me that sometimes when you lose something it could quite possibly mean that something better is meant to take its place. And it wasn’t that matter of fact kind of voice like you might read in a self help book. It was more like the wise, tender voice of a doting grandmother comforting me in a cloak of love. The peaceful buoyancy I felt in my heart was the messenger of Truth; the words touched me in a way they never before had.

And as I sat in contemplative levity over the ‘loss’ I had experienced during this lifetime and allowed the power of those words to wash over me, I recalled my Heartfelt Desire that had long ago been set into motion: to realize my innate wholeness and from this place empower others to recognize their own. My Heartfelt Desire was a seed planted years ago when I was first introduced to iRest Yoga Nidra, a meditation which I now joyfully offer to our community. This Heartfelt Desire is part of a larger Sankalpa, or intention, and is deeply embedded and explored within the practice of iRest.

When I consciously affirmed my Heartfelt Desire and willingly accepted this co-creation with The Divine, it no doubt came into fruition and revealed itself over time, but it wasn’t at all how I had imagined; it didn’t come neatly wrapped with a beautiful bow on top. The Divine, my silent partner, had other plans. I didn’t fulfill my Heartfelt Desire and learn my self-worth studying hollow words whispered in my ear by some handsome White Knight. It was born rather from being abruptly knocked off the horse, followed by a long journey into The Dark Night of the Soul, and the eventual grabbing of the reins myself.

The stark reality staring back at me was that no one was coming to save me from myself; that was going to be an ‘inside job’ as Caroline Myss would say. Sometimes we aren’t let in on the secrets of this great mystery called life, but I have faith now that things really are going to plan and we never know exactly what the ‘better’ is that potentially awaits us. Our deepest heartfelt longing could be seeking us and fulfilling itself, granting us unshakeable strength and love that was in us all along, but we never knew we had.

-Chrissy Leake